Let's Talk About ED

Wondering

Which of my followers are out there? If I might be struggling, and needing support? Maybe a like or a reblog? Or words or encouragement or wisdom you could send my way?

Anyone?

My brain just told myself to “stop eating and start working out again, you are getting really fucking fat lately”

and that, my friends, is why this is a mental illness

BECAUSE THAT IS CRAZY

musicismytherapy316:

So yeah, here’s my favorites from A Million Little Pieces. A lot of them are depressing, so just bear with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

pg. 36 - …and for a brief moment I feel strong. Not strong enough to face myself, but strong enough to keep going.

pg. 67 - I have lived with agony for so long that as it beats along with my strong and steady heart, it doesn’t bother me anymore.

pg. 80 - More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn’t alone. I have tried many times, tried to kill my loneliness with a girl or a woman, and it was never right. We would be together and be close to each other but no matter how close we were, I still felt alone.

pg. 89 - “I don’t want to make friends here.”

“Why?”

“I don’t like goodbyes.”

pg. 140 - “I want to be alone.”

“It’s better to be around people. It makes it hurt less.”

pg. 176 - When she walks in my heart jumps and my hands shake and those things for which there are no words ignite and they start firing firing firing. I knew I would be affected when I saw her, but I didn’t know it’d be like this and I’m surprised and the surprise makes me nervous. They have ignited and they are firing.

pg. 186 - The first time I saw you, my heart fell. The second time I saw you, my heart fell. The third time fourth time fifth time and every time since, my heart has fallen.

When I see you the world stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops, and it is a beautiful place and there is only you. Just you.

When you’re gone, the world starts again, and I don’t like it as much. I can live in it, but I don’t like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It’s the best fucking thing I’ve ever known or ever felt, the best thing. 

pg. 214 - I smile. It’s not just a smile of momentary happiness. When it disappears from my face, it will stay with me.

pg. 229 - The grass is dead now but will return in the Spring that is the way of the world. Things die and they return. Is that biology or God or something Higher? I know my heart beats and I listen to it. The beat is biology, but what is the song? Will this song exist when the beating stops? Will one stay when one is gone, can one live without the other? Does it matter? It does. I have to believe in something. It is holding me together.

pg. 239 - I think love is a rare thing in the world. If you think you can have it with this girl, then fuck whoever tries to stop you and fuck their rules.

pg. 252 - “You think suicide is an act of bravery?”

“No, I think it’s cowardly, just like I think addiction is cowardly. But I do think that both require a certain kind of pathetic strength.”

pg. 255 - It is hard to stare at her, hard because she’s not the distant girl who smiles at me anymore. She has become more than that, more than I expected her to become and more than I was looking for her to become. She is becoming someone who loves me. Simply and truly and as I am. It is hard to stare at her because as I know she is starting to love me, I am starting to love her. I don’t care what she’s done or who she’s done it with, I don’t care about whatever demons may be in her closet. I care about how she makes me feel and she makes me feel strong and safe and calm and warm and true. It is hard to stare because I am forced to contemplate giving it up. It is hard to stare, but I do it anyway.

pg. 262 - ‘Try to shine and you’ll extinguish your light. Try to define yourself, you won’t know who you are. Don’t try to control others. Let go and let them be.’ As I read this book it calms me without effort, fills in the blanks of my strategy for survival. ‘Control by letting go of control, fix your problems by forgetting they’re problems. Deal with them and the world and yourself with patience and simplicity and compassion. Let things be, let yourself be, let everything be and accept it as it is.’

pg. 313 - As we walk, we talk. She talks of her feelings of being left in the past. By her father and by the boy in Chicago and by everyone she has ever cared about in her entire life. They left her and they never called and they never sent a letter, never showed her that they loved her, never came back. Not once. Not ever.

She talks about the desertion. How each time it broke her heart. How with each break it became harder to heal. How with each time she healed, it became harder to love again. How each time hope faded into desolation. Into loneliness and despair. Into self-hatred and self-loathing. At the beginning there was hope. It faded. At the end there was nothing.

She talks about me in relation to her life. She is seeking freedom. That is all she wants, all she desires, all she hopes to achieve. Freedom. Not just from chemicals but from the cycle of loving and losing, risking and failing, returning that that which she abhors each time returning. She thought she had lost me earlier today. With that she thought she began to lose herself. To feel doors closing on the prison of self-destruction. She waited to fight it but she can’t fight it all. Not chemicals and her past and the prospect of a dim, solitary, isolated future. She started to need. Need the crack. Need the pills. Need something to kill the pain.

pg. 316 - We lie together. Smiling and holding on to each other and the night and the moment. We stare into each other’s eyes and softly kiss, speaking and saying more with the movement of our lips and the tips of our fingers than words will allow us to say. 

pg. 333 - I look for Lilly but she is not here. I wish she were so that I could watch her instead of listening to the lecture. So I could look at her and let time fade away. So that she could look at me and I could feel the love I felt earlier. In her arms. In her eyes. In her words. I want it again. 

pg. 336 - She holds me squeezes me presses herself against me, as if I can absorb what she feels, as if I can take it away.

pg. 370 - ‘If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be fulfilled. Be content with what you have and take joy in the way things are. When you realize you have all you need, the world belongs to you. If you understand that all things change constantly, there is nothing you will hold on to. If you realize that what you have is enough, you are rich truly rich.’

pg. 384 - It is easier to laugh at ourselves than cry at ourselves. We are all awful. 

pg. 414 - ‘Hold on to things too tight and you’ll lose them. If you want to be whole you must first be crooked. If you want to be full, first become empty. If you want to be reborn, you must first die. If you don’t display yourself, people will see your light. It is said that the path into light is dark. That the path forward is backward.’

pg. 416 - I am scared of Lilly. I am scared of loving her and I am scared of letting her loving me. I am scared of having her, I am scared of losing her, I am scared of living with her, I am scared of living without her. I am scared of having my heart broken. I am scared of living. I am scared of dying. I’m scared.

Fear is only fear. I already know that nothing can hurt me more than I have already hurt myself. I know there is no pain that I cannot endure. I know that by holding on each moment each hour each day the days add up each week each month if I hold on I will be fine. I know I am strong. I know I am strong enough to confront what I fear and I know I am strong enough to hold on until the fear goes away. I believe this in my heart. 

pg. 421 - Our lips meet, softly, gently, slowly our lips meet and our arms are tight around each other and everything is good and safe and getting better. In each other’s arms, everything is good and safe. Everything is getting better.

musicismytherapy316:

So yeah, here’s my favorites from A Million Little Pieces. A lot of them are depressing, so just bear with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

pg. 36 - …and for a brief moment I feel strong. Not strong enough to face myself, but strong enough to keep going.

pg. 67 - I have lived with agony for so long that as it beats along with my strong and steady heart, it doesn’t bother me anymore.

pg. 80 - More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn’t alone. I have tried many times, tried to kill my loneliness with a girl or a woman, and it was never right. We would be together and be close to each other but no matter how close we were, I still felt alone.

pg. 89 - “I don’t want to make friends here.”

“Why?”

“I don’t like goodbyes.”

pg. 140 - “I want to be alone.”

“It’s better to be around people. It makes it hurt less.”

pg. 176 - When she walks in my heart jumps and my hands shake and those things for which there are no words ignite and they start firing firing firing. I knew I would be affected when I saw her, but I didn’t know it’d be like this and I’m surprised and the surprise makes me nervous. They have ignited and they are firing.

pg. 186 - The first time I saw you, my heart fell. The second time I saw you, my heart fell. The third time fourth time fifth time and every time since, my heart has fallen.

When I see you the world stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops, and it is a beautiful place and there is only you. Just you.

When you’re gone, the world starts again, and I don’t like it as much. I can live in it, but I don’t like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It’s the best fucking thing I’ve ever known or ever felt, the best thing. 

pg. 214 - I smile. It’s not just a smile of momentary happiness. When it disappears from my face, it will stay with me.

pg. 229 - The grass is dead now but will return in the Spring that is the way of the world. Things die and they return. Is that biology or God or something Higher? I know my heart beats and I listen to it. The beat is biology, but what is the song? Will this song exist when the beating stops? Will one stay when one is gone, can one live without the other? Does it matter? It does. I have to believe in something. It is holding me together.

pg. 239 - I think love is a rare thing in the world. If you think you can have it with this girl, then fuck whoever tries to stop you and fuck their rules.

pg. 252 - “You think suicide is an act of bravery?”

“No, I think it’s cowardly, just like I think addiction is cowardly. But I do think that both require a certain kind of pathetic strength.”

pg. 255 - It is hard to stare at her, hard because she’s not the distant girl who smiles at me anymore. She has become more than that, more than I expected her to become and more than I was looking for her to become. She is becoming someone who loves me. Simply and truly and as I am. It is hard to stare at her because as I know she is starting to love me, I am starting to love her. I don’t care what she’s done or who she’s done it with, I don’t care about whatever demons may be in her closet. I care about how she makes me feel and she makes me feel strong and safe and calm and warm and true. It is hard to stare because I am forced to contemplate giving it up. It is hard to stare, but I do it anyway.

pg. 262 - ‘Try to shine and you’ll extinguish your light. Try to define yourself, you won’t know who you are. Don’t try to control others. Let go and let them be.’ As I read this book it calms me without effort, fills in the blanks of my strategy for survival. ‘Control by letting go of control, fix your problems by forgetting they’re problems. Deal with them and the world and yourself with patience and simplicity and compassion. Let things be, let yourself be, let everything be and accept it as it is.’

pg. 313 - As we walk, we talk. She talks of her feelings of being left in the past. By her father and by the boy in Chicago and by everyone she has ever cared about in her entire life. They left her and they never called and they never sent a letter, never showed her that they loved her, never came back. Not once. Not ever.

She talks about the desertion. How each time it broke her heart. How with each break it became harder to heal. How with each time she healed, it became harder to love again. How each time hope faded into desolation. Into loneliness and despair. Into self-hatred and self-loathing. At the beginning there was hope. It faded. At the end there was nothing.

She talks about me in relation to her life. She is seeking freedom. That is all she wants, all she desires, all she hopes to achieve. Freedom. Not just from chemicals but from the cycle of loving and losing, risking and failing, returning that that which she abhors each time returning. She thought she had lost me earlier today. With that she thought she began to lose herself. To feel doors closing on the prison of self-destruction. She waited to fight it but she can’t fight it all. Not chemicals and her past and the prospect of a dim, solitary, isolated future. She started to need. Need the crack. Need the pills. Need something to kill the pain.

pg. 316 - We lie together. Smiling and holding on to each other and the night and the moment. We stare into each other’s eyes and softly kiss, speaking and saying more with the movement of our lips and the tips of our fingers than words will allow us to say. 

pg. 333 - I look for Lilly but she is not here. I wish she were so that I could watch her instead of listening to the lecture. So I could look at her and let time fade away. So that she could look at me and I could feel the love I felt earlier. In her arms. In her eyes. In her words. I want it again. 

pg. 336 - She holds me squeezes me presses herself against me, as if I can absorb what she feels, as if I can take it away.

pg. 370 - ‘If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be fulfilled. Be content with what you have and take joy in the way things are. When you realize you have all you need, the world belongs to you. If you understand that all things change constantly, there is nothing you will hold on to. If you realize that what you have is enough, you are rich truly rich.’

pg. 384 - It is easier to laugh at ourselves than cry at ourselves. We are all awful. 

pg. 414 - ‘Hold on to things too tight and you’ll lose them. If you want to be whole you must first be crooked. If you want to be full, first become empty. If you want to be reborn, you must first die. If you don’t display yourself, people will see your light. It is said that the path into light is dark. That the path forward is backward.’

pg. 416 - I am scared of Lilly. I am scared of loving her and I am scared of letting her loving me. I am scared of having her, I am scared of losing her, I am scared of living with her, I am scared of living without her. I am scared of having my heart broken. I am scared of living. I am scared of dying. I’m scared.

Fear is only fear. I already know that nothing can hurt me more than I have already hurt myself. I know there is no pain that I cannot endure. I know that by holding on each moment each hour each day the days add up each week each month if I hold on I will be fine. I know I am strong. I know I am strong enough to confront what I fear and I know I am strong enough to hold on until the fear goes away. I believe this in my heart. 

pg. 421 - Our lips meet, softly, gently, slowly our lips meet and our arms are tight around each other and everything is good and safe and getting better. In each other’s arms, everything is good and safe. Everything is getting better.

fightthewhispers:

daisychainrecovery:

inspirefitness:

tokyosluts:

Being skinny would actually solve 90% of my problems

90% of your problems are caused by thinking this

^^^^^^^^^^

Can we just appreciate how wonderful that counter-argument was?